Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
You Might Also Like
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”