[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
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Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
What the hell happened here.
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods