Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
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COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
i baked you a cake