once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
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Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
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“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf