Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
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Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.