Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
You Might Also Like
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
I’m having an out of money experience.
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
oh you like architecture? name three walls
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards