Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
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“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”