How to properly lift a body
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[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
Me recordaron éste meme
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
Saturday
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
dream blunt rotation
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
Never mess with a drunken pig.
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
🏙👨🏼