My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
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Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.