My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
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Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
Wait a second…
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.