Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
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I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“threw em out” you shrug
you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”
“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin