My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
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odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.