So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
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Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”