If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
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I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
dutch so unserious
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill