me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
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This is always good for a laugh.
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”