Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
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Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.