There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
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If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
This meal prepping shit is easy
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*