Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
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Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel