*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
You Might Also Like
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
Confused owl: What?!