How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
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I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
And bowling should be called pinball
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow