High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
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I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
Just a bush.
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession