*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
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Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
Battery falling down a hole
The photographer’s assistant
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.