FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
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Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people