Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
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Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.