It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
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[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
I’m too immature for adultery.
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.