ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
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Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!