“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
You Might Also Like
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
こいつ天才
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
I wish I could veto my bills.
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.