You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
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I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKINGHow Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.