There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
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Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
bout dat hot dog summer
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
[loses house key, starts a new life]
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
cry laughing at this shit
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
Poetry is my passion
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
Mouse
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.