Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
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“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
Lol #dogsoftwitter
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.