October already? What’s next? November????
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Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
True
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants