Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
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*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
titanic
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.