Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
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Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
Always…
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.