Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
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OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
this isn’t threatening at all
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
Sorry I made promises on Friday
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.