Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
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Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.