The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
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[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
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If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.