Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
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“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.