I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
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Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
they split up moments later
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
I used to think the key to small talk was always having something to say (difficult) but now I think the key is being genuinely relaxed and putting people at ease (very difficult).
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.