Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
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HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes