I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
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My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.