me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
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Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?