If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
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If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
Forever 21… pounds overweight
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”