A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
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There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later