Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
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ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.
#ChefDay #RubbishJokes
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”