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me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese