You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
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Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.