Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
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One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
January is lasting longer than my marriage
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*