Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
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Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE