My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
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[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being