Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
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what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.